I have been debating whether to share this and what I have to say about this. It's not easy, but I think that I am supposed to see this as an opportunity to say things that are hard to admit. Perhaps, someone else needs to read this, too.
This is an article about a woman that attempted to kill her teenage, aggressive, autistic daughter. I relate to it a lot. There have been some very dark moments in the past. Things are still tough, but much different; an easier tough, if it's reasonable to say so.
In the past, it seemed everything about being alive was causing my son pain and it seemed he wanted nothing to do with being present in the world he was part of. Everything and everyone seemed to cause him pain; lights, sounds, touch; even my touch, his mommy's touch. Everything he ate hurt him, it seemed.
I often considered taking myself from him. Taking him to someone else.. taking him to other family.. taking him to an institution.. Taking my life.. I felt that I was not worthy of giving him all that he needed. At an extremely dark moment, I considered whether dying would be better than feeling as my son did. If his own mommy can't help him feel good, who can, right? I would never do it, but I thought it.
It is so hard to watch your child hurt and be able to do nothing about it. It's hard when you feel that, but also feel victimized; by your child, by those that say hurtful things, by PTSD from your past, by extreme sleep deprivation.. trust me, not sleeping at all/very little for extremely long periods of time can really mess with you and make you feel like you are.. I don't know.. a wild animal.. a soldier at war.. insane?
My point is.. people will say what they want about what this woman attempted to do to herself and to her child, but very few will relate enough to feel love and pain for her. I feel those things, probably too much.
Link to the article:
New York Magazine: BY NOON THEY’D BOTH BE IN HEAVEN
