SO.. today is my birthday.. I turn.. hruphblahdety... and of course, I've gotten lots of well wishes and have a great days and happy birthdays.. I LOVE the attention, but I never quite know how to respond. I am an honest person to a fault and things are not very positive much of the time right now. SO.. I feel compelled to say that instead of an automatic "Everything is great, your great, I'm great.. great, great, GREAT!" As a birthday present to myself, I am compiling a list of things I REALLY want, that no one can REALLY give me.. just to get it out.
1. My son not to have autism
2. My son not to have digestive problems
3. My kids to have friends to play with
4. Friends of my own near by
5. Family near by that could help when I needed
6. Enough money to eat
7. Enough money to get my kids what they need
8. Insurance that covered all that my kids need
9. An easy button that made everything all done and silent sometimes
10. New wardrobe that fits and is in style
11. Hair cut with current styling
12. New house that wasn't a POS
13. New car that held all that we need it to
14. A service dog for Aidan
15. A nap
16. A real bathtub.. without an overflow thingy.. that was deep enough to cover my whole body with water
17. A vacation out of this country
18. A day trip to an aquarium or a rain forest or anywhere not here..
19. Enough money to pay my bills
20. Not to feel anxious or depressed over not having some of the things above this number..
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
So much to do.. so little me to do it all!
This month has been filled with so much to do. It has also been filled with so much sleep deprivation.
I have successfully chosen an online school to get my bachelor's at AND have done the FAFSA. Now onto the next step.. steps.. yep.. steps; give them money, transcripts, and my signature;
find time to study and acquire what is necessary to be successful this time around. Last time I attempted going to school online I FAILED; not enough time or sleep and way too much stress. It was back when Mike and I first split and there was so much anger, resentment, yelling, and all over awfulness. Of course, there was also the regular life stress and sleep deprivation. They want me to start February 13th; hopefully I'm ready. I've already deferred my loans from the associates I can't use.. and I can't afford to pay them yet; so bachelor's program here I come!
I have successfully chosen an online school to get my bachelor's at AND have done the FAFSA. Now onto the next step.. steps.. yep.. steps; give them money, transcripts, and my signature;
find time to study and acquire what is necessary to be successful this time around. Last time I attempted going to school online I FAILED; not enough time or sleep and way too much stress. It was back when Mike and I first split and there was so much anger, resentment, yelling, and all over awfulness. Of course, there was also the regular life stress and sleep deprivation. They want me to start February 13th; hopefully I'm ready. I've already deferred my loans from the associates I can't use.. and I can't afford to pay them yet; so bachelor's program here I come!
I have successfully had yet another amazingly alienating mommy experience taking Aidan through the mall. When you talk to me freely, then see my son act like he does; then suddenly stop talking to me... I kinda gather you don't want anything to do with a mom with an autistic son. This happens all the time; and people ask why I don't try to make friends anymore. I am amazingly much better at dealing with this. When he first got diagnosed I would get really upset over it. I suppose it's hard for others to wrap their heads around. They probably don't want to think about my son's disability. It might make them consider if their kids were disabled; too many bubbles to burst. I bet it's painful for them too; maybe?
I have successfully over budgeted our finances.. I wasn't on top of the ole bank register and relied on the online balance shown. Apparently, it took weeks for a couple things to show up on the account and I forgot them.. NOW to magically figure out how to REALLY shit money. sheesh!
I have also successfully maintained some semblance of human status while being stressed out and sleep deprived. Went to lay down with Aidan at bedtime at 930pm, left Aidan's room around 1030pm, went to bed around 11pm, got up to yelling and light flickering at 2am, went back to bed around 4am, AND back up for the day at 6am; woken by my yelling/flickering human child alarm clock!; which is why I am here being all bloggy. This is the normal sleep pattern for me last winter AND over the past few days.
AND about the flickering; I'm not sure how much longer I can endure the flashing lights. OFF, ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON. for days! Nothing stops it; not cuddles, playing, redirection, stern reprimand, time out, NOTHING! He keeps adjusting the thermostats too. Oh well, MY house will soon have all switches on LOCK DOWN. I guess. This place is starting to look a lot like a prison.
I am BOUND to be productive and pleasant today...
I have successfully over budgeted our finances.. I wasn't on top of the ole bank register and relied on the online balance shown. Apparently, it took weeks for a couple things to show up on the account and I forgot them.. NOW to magically figure out how to REALLY shit money. sheesh!
I have successfully made my first batch of homemade sauer kraut. WOOHOO, HIP HIP HOORAY!! I used Alton Brown's method/recipe from Food Network. SUPER TASTY! I want to learn how to make my own brats/sausage and how to make my own bacon and of course, my own corned beef. :-D
I have started giving Epsom salts baths to the kids. It has helped some. I just need to remember to do them more often. I found out that it isn't really salt at all. It is magnesium sulfate and has plenty of benefits and uses apparently.
We have been given a dryer to use. The neighbors are moving and their new place comes with TWO dryers, so they are giving theirs to us. WOOHOO! NO MORE HANGING UP LAUNDRY EVERY DAY!! Which is good, because I don't think I could have mustered doing it one more time!
I have also successfully maintained some semblance of human status while being stressed out and sleep deprived. Went to lay down with Aidan at bedtime at 930pm, left Aidan's room around 1030pm, went to bed around 11pm, got up to yelling and light flickering at 2am, went back to bed around 4am, AND back up for the day at 6am; woken by my yelling/flickering human child alarm clock!; which is why I am here being all bloggy. This is the normal sleep pattern for me last winter AND over the past few days.
AND about the flickering; I'm not sure how much longer I can endure the flashing lights. OFF, ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON. for days! Nothing stops it; not cuddles, playing, redirection, stern reprimand, time out, NOTHING! He keeps adjusting the thermostats too. Oh well, MY house will soon have all switches on LOCK DOWN. I guess. This place is starting to look a lot like a prison.
I am BOUND to be productive and pleasant today...
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The cut-throat game of social broadcasting
The cut-throat game of social broadcasting
Recently, I have been receiving some negative feedback about posting on social websites about subjects of a questionable appropriateness. Apparently, some feel that it's NOT okay to joke about female related topics like menstruation. Many people have also mentioned to me that it's not appropriate to tell funny stories about my children's feces. I understand that each person has their own set standard of living and doesn't like to step beyond that comfort zone. I no longer get the luxury of having a comfort zone. I have had no choice but to find humor in being a mom, a woman, and a human; with all of its good times, bad times, and disgustingly awful times. We poop, we pee, we sleep, we eat, we bleed, we cry, we laugh, we excel sometimes, and sometimes we SUCK BIG TIME. I know for certain that we all also can agree that we will never satisfy everyone at the same time. We may never satisfy some people any of the time! I find it amusing that words can cause so much anguish in people. I write about my life... that's all it is. If it aggravates anyone or offends anyone, perhaps my life isn't for that person to read. That's fine.. I find that I don't really feel comfortable in it most days either. hehe.
There are so many topics of conversation that people can't handle talking about; religion, sex, politics, violence, anger, disabilities, depression, death, mental health problems, bodily fluids and solids, poverty, digestion and indigestion, money, atypical challenges, devastation. These have all been or are a major part of my life in one way or another. To feel uncomfortable or offended in of any of those things.. is to feel some discomfort or offense taken by my life. I will NOT be defensive about it anymore. I won't make excuses. I won't apologize. I will try not to take offense of it either, though. I know that words is words and peoples... is peoples. :-)
Recently, I have been receiving some negative feedback about posting on social websites about subjects of a questionable appropriateness. Apparently, some feel that it's NOT okay to joke about female related topics like menstruation. Many people have also mentioned to me that it's not appropriate to tell funny stories about my children's feces. I understand that each person has their own set standard of living and doesn't like to step beyond that comfort zone. I no longer get the luxury of having a comfort zone. I have had no choice but to find humor in being a mom, a woman, and a human; with all of its good times, bad times, and disgustingly awful times. We poop, we pee, we sleep, we eat, we bleed, we cry, we laugh, we excel sometimes, and sometimes we SUCK BIG TIME. I know for certain that we all also can agree that we will never satisfy everyone at the same time. We may never satisfy some people any of the time! I find it amusing that words can cause so much anguish in people. I write about my life... that's all it is. If it aggravates anyone or offends anyone, perhaps my life isn't for that person to read. That's fine.. I find that I don't really feel comfortable in it most days either. hehe.
There are so many topics of conversation that people can't handle talking about; religion, sex, politics, violence, anger, disabilities, depression, death, mental health problems, bodily fluids and solids, poverty, digestion and indigestion, money, atypical challenges, devastation. These have all been or are a major part of my life in one way or another. To feel uncomfortable or offended in of any of those things.. is to feel some discomfort or offense taken by my life. I will NOT be defensive about it anymore. I won't make excuses. I won't apologize. I will try not to take offense of it either, though. I know that words is words and peoples... is peoples. :-)
Shit Storms in MY Living Room
Shit Storms in MY Living Room... when poo takes flight
I placed my gift in the appropriate receptacle and continued to change the kids, of course, in a stupor of disbelief. Aidan had been constipated for quite some time and had remnants of what could have been a misplaced piece of crap in his diaper. The only thing I could think to do is CONGRATULATE my son for having the poop he couldn't have previously and to congratulate my son for having a solid poopy.. over and over. He may thing I'm nuts now.. IF he didn't before. Honestly, I am still baffled about this and probably will be forever and ever. I MOST DEFINITELY plan to share this story with the kids and ALL their friends in the future! :-D
The evening after the Fred Meyer fiasco, I go to change the kids for bed, and my daughter decides to throw something random at me. It bounces off me... and onto the floor. Its dark in the room, because it helps the kids prepare to sleep when the lights are all turned down a certain amount of time before getting ready for bed. I can't see what I am picking up very well and I'm confused, as it doesn't look like it could be one of their toys. As I take a closer look... I see that it is a nice firm (thankfully) piece of POOP!!
Im confused... HOW the HELL did my daughter find a big ole piece of SHIT to THROW AT MEEEEEEE!!!!!!????? idk.. what? omg.. what? <SOB> time for NITE NITES!! Most definitely. sheesh!
OK, so she wasn't throwing it AT me. As much as one would feel that was the case if shit came at one's face. I think she was trying to throw it TO me, but once again; how can I interpret shit being thrown TO ME? Surely it was thrown AT ME.. no matter what the intentions were in reality. Thank you, Jasmyn!! It's what Mommy has ALWAYS wanted!! I big ole piece of poop thrown at her! I was in dismay... shock... had NO IDEA how to react to this. I don't even know which it came from. They both had questionable to productive diapers recently. Aidan has been waddling for a while... and she's been making little poo pebbles... THIS poo was substantial, so I assume it's more than she can physically make in one movement...?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Stupid Clicking Morons!! :-(
Stupid Clicking Morons... an eventful trip to the grocery store.
Our trip to Fred Meyer started out shitty.. Well for Jasmyn anyway. As soon as I put her in the cart she began trying to get out.. acting like she was in pain. Of course, who wants to sit in a uncomfortable cart with a piece of poo in the way. SO, we head to the bathroom for a change. I haven't actually HAD to change either of the kids in a public bathroom in a very long time, so I knew this would be somewhat eventful. I had NOT anticipated the designer of said bathroom being a complete moron! The changing station, which Jasmyn was NOT ecstatic about in the first place, was placed RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING DOOR! So.. I get bumped into by every peer and their child while battling with my own hovering in an uncomfortable changing station. Most people were gracious and apologetic.. even though they weren't the moron that placed the station where it was. I was astonished to see a few people were actually annoyed with me.. and my screaming daughter.. They can fuck off.. this isn't about them. After the battle.. we continue our shopping excursions.
Whilst at Fred Meyer, we had a few things to return from presents that Jasmyn had gotten that didn't fit her. We figured that we could get a gift card with the amounts and just go get something else. That's not quite.. how. it works. We got the card.. but it was less than half of the worth that was posted on the receipts.. so we really couldn't get her anything at all. Apparently, they don't give back what was spent.. they give back the LOWEST price within the last 90days? Whatever!
OK.. so things are tight.. and it's decided that we needed groceries more than more clothes for Jasmyn.. so we go grocery shopping. When we are done.. it's typically easier and faster to do self check out.. it avoids any random button pushing by children ( they are button addicts) and any off handed remarks by other people in line or whatever. WELL.. NOT TODAY!! TODAY.. we get the biggest moron self check out babysitter every hired to do nothing while getting paid!! Jasmyn is severely pissed off at this point. She once again missed her nap. Aidan.. is pretty chill, but giggling like a madman, which typically means he's about DONE with this experience too.. and is getting uncomfortable.
I am minding my own business and checking myself out.. WHEN the STUPID CLICKING MORON SELF CHECKOUT BABYSITTER (after asking stupid questions.. like why aren't you talking and why are you kicking me to my son) STARTS CLICKING HIS FUCKING PEN ON AIDAN!!?? WTF! Who the hell does that? I would never do that to a relative's kid.. much less a stranger's kid.. and a customer's kid!? I almost came undone! BUT.. I clenched it.. and smiled absurdly and told the idiot.. "PLEASE do NOT do that.. My son is SENSITIVE to things like that". OMG.. I'm not sure what would have went down had Aidan started melting down. I'm fairly certain I would have melted down.. SO.. back to the car.. and back home.. to continue freaking out about our WONDERFUL shopping experience at Fred Meyer!
(note: this is not typical for Fred Meyer.. most of their workers are considerate and helpful and they carry many specialty things we need for the special diets in our home)
Our trip to Fred Meyer started out shitty.. Well for Jasmyn anyway. As soon as I put her in the cart she began trying to get out.. acting like she was in pain. Of course, who wants to sit in a uncomfortable cart with a piece of poo in the way. SO, we head to the bathroom for a change. I haven't actually HAD to change either of the kids in a public bathroom in a very long time, so I knew this would be somewhat eventful. I had NOT anticipated the designer of said bathroom being a complete moron! The changing station, which Jasmyn was NOT ecstatic about in the first place, was placed RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING DOOR! So.. I get bumped into by every peer and their child while battling with my own hovering in an uncomfortable changing station. Most people were gracious and apologetic.. even though they weren't the moron that placed the station where it was. I was astonished to see a few people were actually annoyed with me.. and my screaming daughter.. They can fuck off.. this isn't about them. After the battle.. we continue our shopping excursions.
Whilst at Fred Meyer, we had a few things to return from presents that Jasmyn had gotten that didn't fit her. We figured that we could get a gift card with the amounts and just go get something else. That's not quite.. how. it works. We got the card.. but it was less than half of the worth that was posted on the receipts.. so we really couldn't get her anything at all. Apparently, they don't give back what was spent.. they give back the LOWEST price within the last 90days? Whatever!
OK.. so things are tight.. and it's decided that we needed groceries more than more clothes for Jasmyn.. so we go grocery shopping. When we are done.. it's typically easier and faster to do self check out.. it avoids any random button pushing by children ( they are button addicts) and any off handed remarks by other people in line or whatever. WELL.. NOT TODAY!! TODAY.. we get the biggest moron self check out babysitter every hired to do nothing while getting paid!! Jasmyn is severely pissed off at this point. She once again missed her nap. Aidan.. is pretty chill, but giggling like a madman, which typically means he's about DONE with this experience too.. and is getting uncomfortable.
I am minding my own business and checking myself out.. WHEN the STUPID CLICKING MORON SELF CHECKOUT BABYSITTER (after asking stupid questions.. like why aren't you talking and why are you kicking me to my son) STARTS CLICKING HIS FUCKING PEN ON AIDAN!!?? WTF! Who the hell does that? I would never do that to a relative's kid.. much less a stranger's kid.. and a customer's kid!? I almost came undone! BUT.. I clenched it.. and smiled absurdly and told the idiot.. "PLEASE do NOT do that.. My son is SENSITIVE to things like that". OMG.. I'm not sure what would have went down had Aidan started melting down. I'm fairly certain I would have melted down.. SO.. back to the car.. and back home.. to continue freaking out about our WONDERFUL shopping experience at Fred Meyer!
(note: this is not typical for Fred Meyer.. most of their workers are considerate and helpful and they carry many specialty things we need for the special diets in our home)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Mommy Pride
I am SO proud of my son. When we get ready to go to the car.. we do diapers, change into outside clothes, and put on socks, shoes, and coats. All of a sudden, my son can do most of this ALL BY HIMSELF!! He just does it.. and he does it really good.. including the socks, which I can barely get on my feet, hehe!. For anyone that doesn't know, my five year old son, Aidan, is autistic. This is a huge milestone for him. I am absolutely ecstatic about it! All he needs is a little "straightening out" of his clothes when he's all done putting everything on and MAYBE some verbal cues to start any item.. or any other random verbal cue that can help when he gets uninterested or distracted. WOOHOO!. He has also been very verbal. I'm not going to start having "expectations", but my hopes are high and so is my mommy pride.
Jasmyn is doing some pretty amazing things too. She will take off her clothes when I ask her to.. and sometimes when not asked, hehe. She makes sure to give Aidan a hug or kiss after mommy get's one. Jazz has already started directing and calling for Aidan when it's time for him to do things. The other day, when Aidan started getting frustrated and seemed to be crying, Jasmyn started "crying" with him for support!! When she talks, I can now understand about 1/3 of what she says.. most of it is still Babble-onian or Jazzinese. OH, oh, and Jazzy also swung on a swing without Mommy holding her the other day!
Most days I feel like I live in a madhouse, but it seems there is a method to this madness.
Jasmyn is doing some pretty amazing things too. She will take off her clothes when I ask her to.. and sometimes when not asked, hehe. She makes sure to give Aidan a hug or kiss after mommy get's one. Jazz has already started directing and calling for Aidan when it's time for him to do things. The other day, when Aidan started getting frustrated and seemed to be crying, Jasmyn started "crying" with him for support!! When she talks, I can now understand about 1/3 of what she says.. most of it is still Babble-onian or Jazzinese. OH, oh, and Jazzy also swung on a swing without Mommy holding her the other day!
Most days I feel like I live in a madhouse, but it seems there is a method to this madness.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Didn't I just get to bed?)
Well, Here it is five hours into 2011 and I am already awake. This isn't typically what I want as my wake up time, but I have a sleep problem: my son, Aidan. Alright, he has the sleep issues, but I find that since I get the opportunity to be awake with him; they are also mine. :-p
Aidan usually won't fall asleep until around 11 pm, even if he gets up early and does his routine and is in bed by 9:30 pm. Somedays start like today, at 4 am. Luckily, this isn't everyday; at least not so far this year. So far this year I have been able to sleep until around 7 am or 8 am most days. LAST YEAR.. way different. There were nights we didn't sleep at all. I won't drug my kids up, so we tried melatonin, vitamin D, and sleepy-time teas. Which did work.. sometimes.
Right now, he is taking laps around the living room with intervals of stopping to put a few megabloks together; finished by dismantling the pieces, throwing them, and continuing the marathon. All I hope is that he can hold this up quietly until he passes out on the couch (unlikely) or until his sister, Jasmyn, wakes up, so I can make more noise by making coffee and breakfast. It's best if she sleeps until closer to 8 am, as she has a MAJOR anger issue when she doesn't get enough sleep. I've heard that's typical for 2 year olds, though.
Aww, he stopped the super run for a quick hug! I treasure hugs so much. I didn't always get them. Aidan used to be completely lost to me and everyone.. even when he was melting down. Melt downs are different that tantrums. With tantrums, a child is typically looking for some reaction to their anguish with a possible specific outcome they are hoping for in the mean time. That's not the case with a melt down; there is no reassurance, no hopeful out come aside from hoping the meltdown ends.. soon. It can be over anything.. too much noise, a break in routine, a texture issue, not feeling well, sensory overload, just "because". Most of the time I can't really help him get through it and the only way to get him to calm down is to let him have some alone time in his room so he can get it out without so much sensory input.
My first real Aidan hug was in 2008 while we were going through the Rhododendron park with a friend of mine. My friend took a picture and it is my desktop.. it's the best picture I have. When you have to wait close to 3 years to get a real hug from your child, you treasure it differently than if it came easier.. I think. This has also made me much more aware of what Jasmyn does; like pointing at things. I think I did a dance when she did it for the first time. I was concerned that she would be autistic too, but I am sure that's not an issue anymore. Not that life won't already give her a new, different, and sometimes difficult life to live; having an autistic brother. She's spunky, though, so I think she will have what it takes to be different than the other kids. I call her Jazzy. I think it fits. She belts out in loud, out of tune song and dance all the time. We take turns pretending to be devastated by "something". She says hi to everyone and everything at the grocery store.. and everyone talks to her. I think that shopping probably takes an extra half hour or so just because of her "conversations"! The video below is of the kids enjoying the Elmo Crack they got for the holidays. It starts out mostly mellow, but it's obvious they will need a 12 step program towards the end! :-p
OMG I am TIRED!! Time to do other things. It's taken me close to an hour and a half to write this, hehe. I hope this isn't the start of the 2011 Winter Insomnia Games. I HOPE this is a fluke.. and he goes back to not sleeping until late, but sleeping all night when he gets there. I'll take the compromise.
Well, Here it is five hours into 2011 and I am already awake. This isn't typically what I want as my wake up time, but I have a sleep problem: my son, Aidan. Alright, he has the sleep issues, but I find that since I get the opportunity to be awake with him; they are also mine. :-p
Aidan usually won't fall asleep until around 11 pm, even if he gets up early and does his routine and is in bed by 9:30 pm. Somedays start like today, at 4 am. Luckily, this isn't everyday; at least not so far this year. So far this year I have been able to sleep until around 7 am or 8 am most days. LAST YEAR.. way different. There were nights we didn't sleep at all. I won't drug my kids up, so we tried melatonin, vitamin D, and sleepy-time teas. Which did work.. sometimes.
Right now, he is taking laps around the living room with intervals of stopping to put a few megabloks together; finished by dismantling the pieces, throwing them, and continuing the marathon. All I hope is that he can hold this up quietly until he passes out on the couch (unlikely) or until his sister, Jasmyn, wakes up, so I can make more noise by making coffee and breakfast. It's best if she sleeps until closer to 8 am, as she has a MAJOR anger issue when she doesn't get enough sleep. I've heard that's typical for 2 year olds, though.
Aww, he stopped the super run for a quick hug! I treasure hugs so much. I didn't always get them. Aidan used to be completely lost to me and everyone.. even when he was melting down. Melt downs are different that tantrums. With tantrums, a child is typically looking for some reaction to their anguish with a possible specific outcome they are hoping for in the mean time. That's not the case with a melt down; there is no reassurance, no hopeful out come aside from hoping the meltdown ends.. soon. It can be over anything.. too much noise, a break in routine, a texture issue, not feeling well, sensory overload, just "because". Most of the time I can't really help him get through it and the only way to get him to calm down is to let him have some alone time in his room so he can get it out without so much sensory input.
My first real Aidan hug was in 2008 while we were going through the Rhododendron park with a friend of mine. My friend took a picture and it is my desktop.. it's the best picture I have. When you have to wait close to 3 years to get a real hug from your child, you treasure it differently than if it came easier.. I think. This has also made me much more aware of what Jasmyn does; like pointing at things. I think I did a dance when she did it for the first time. I was concerned that she would be autistic too, but I am sure that's not an issue anymore. Not that life won't already give her a new, different, and sometimes difficult life to live; having an autistic brother. She's spunky, though, so I think she will have what it takes to be different than the other kids. I call her Jazzy. I think it fits. She belts out in loud, out of tune song and dance all the time. We take turns pretending to be devastated by "something". She says hi to everyone and everything at the grocery store.. and everyone talks to her. I think that shopping probably takes an extra half hour or so just because of her "conversations"! The video below is of the kids enjoying the Elmo Crack they got for the holidays. It starts out mostly mellow, but it's obvious they will need a 12 step program towards the end! :-p
OMG I am TIRED!! Time to do other things. It's taken me close to an hour and a half to write this, hehe. I hope this isn't the start of the 2011 Winter Insomnia Games. I HOPE this is a fluke.. and he goes back to not sleeping until late, but sleeping all night when he gets there. I'll take the compromise.
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