This post is a collection of previous posts moved from other sites. It begins in June 2006, less than a year after my son was born and before we knew anything about autism. I was very depressed and anxious, so some of the early posts are very erratic and emotional. This journey was a difficult one for me; much more difficult than I anticipated.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
11:13 AM - Obtaining Perfection
When we realize that we all have strengths and weaknesses, do we work on correcting the weaknesses or do we acknowledge them as what they are and accept that we have them and prioritize perfecting our strengths first...? OR... are weaknesses actually just quirks in our personality... things that mold who we are, so we actually don't have strengths and weaknesses... We have strengths and quirks...? Getting over excited at times and being directionally impaired are quirks that I have... not weaknesses...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
11:34 AM - Crap, crap, more crap.... a breathe... a laugh... DOUBLE CRAP!! I am experiencing an incredible transition... inside myself and all around in my external life as well. How do we accumulate so many demons... without addressing them until they've outnumbered our wits? My wits are dropping like flies and my demons are swarming in upon me!! I am getting better though... Life doesn't seem so impossible at times. I have starting getting out of the apartment more and seeing more people... I feel myself becoming less anxious each time I go out... even if only to check the mail. The incredibly crappy part of all this... is right at the moment I start coming out of my anxious depression... I get the phone call telling me that my grandma is going to die very soon... and that my family is going to try and scrounge up the money to fly me and my baby to MN... so... my anxiety PERKS UP again! Now I am grinding my brain continually trying different scenarios ... to make the decision of whether to go or not! I want to so badly hug my grandmother one more time before I can't ever again have the option to... I want her to meet her great grand baby... I want everyone that will be there to meet what we have put so much energy into the past couple years... But I am not sure I CAN take a big trip like that ALONE with Aidan... trying to make bottles… change diapers... feed him solids... nap him... and keep him somewhat content thru all the elevation and pressure changes.... and the cramped space.... and the airport noise... I could probably keep on for awhile, but I should stop before I completely talk myself out of this too early... although, they want me to know now ... so I can leave in a couple days!! My poor Anxiety... never gets a BREAK! I need more heads on this one! KTHX =)
Saturday, August 12, 2006
4:33 PM - Why is breathing so difficult at times?
I fell asleep during Meet Joe Black last night, or the night before last... can't quite remember. Sometimes... all the days are the same... after they finish. It's more than 3 hours long and it was late, so I am certain that you will forgive me. I finished the movie just a moment ago. For me, it was incredibly inspiring. I have been brutally searching my very insides... trying desperately to find what my next move is.
I have lived an incredible life so far and have managed to be strong enough to survive all that I have lived! I have loved a lot... I have lost a lot. I basically have come to the conclusion at this moment I have no regrets. To take one thing away, takes everything that I have come to find comfort in. Worse yet, it takes all that keeps me unsettled and moving forward.
There is one major thing, right now, this very moment, that unsettles me and I believe it will follow me until I settle it. I yearn to know how to begin the journey that puts me in my equivalent to the greatness that is exuded by actors like Anthony Hopkins, Brad Pitt, Claire Forlani, and so many others that make their living doing what they love so completely.
There are very few experiences I have had so far, and I acknowledge that I have just begun the second birth of my life... motherhood, I have had so few experiences that have come to the level of ecstasy and overwhelming comfort that I feel being part of a cast of actors.
I thought that I loved the acting most... or the applause most... I was WAY off. As much as I love those aspects of theatre and acting, what I love most... is all of you, being there with me, experiencing the birth of the process some call play... but most call work now.
I long to be amongst all the great actors that have gone ahead of me... all the Amazing actors that stand beside me... and most of all I yearn to be part of the journey all the actors crawling, sitting, and standing for the first time will come to be a part of.
The part of this revelation I have experienced that bugs me most... the part that is making my heart ache and jump up and down at the same time... is that I have no CLUE as to how I get from where I am, right now, to there... that Great, Amazing, Phenomenal place that gives me the most incredible hard on and the most soothing calm all at the same time... I have told many people that Theatre is better than sex... and I have had some GREAT sex... I was wrong. It's not theatre... it's the actors... it's the directors... stagehands... producers... costumers... all the energy those beings hold within themselves that yearns to be released at the perfect moment during the perfect song... under the perfect lighting... and all the other PERFECT aspects... to create the perfect moment that makes another reflect upon themselves... cry out loud... or laugh out loud. I yearn to effect people, jolt them from their reality for a moment... not into mine... or into yours... but into the energy of that perfect moment.
So, if anyone has any wisdom or experience... or even has THE ANSWER as to how I accomplish all that I yearn with every heart beat to accomplish, please make it known.
I am at a loss. I believe I can be as strong as life requires me to be at any given moment... and I can accomplish any task set before me!! But I don't know this one...
Thursday, January 25, 2007
1:20 PM - happy birthday to me... Yay!! The day after my birthday and I am afraid that I don't feel very special... Is life really this difficult ALL THE TIME?
I have been incredibly confused lately. Am I difficult to understand? Is being analytical a bad thing? Mikey and I have been trying to get into affordable housing for a couple weeks. Unfortunately, it's becoming way more difficult than expected... very tedious income standards, notarized documentation of income and child support, verification of our baby's paternity...? I understand the income guidelines required. What I don't understand... we have given them a copy of Aidan's birth certificate that says that Mikey is Aidan’s father AND I also signed a document stating that we are not receiving child support from anyone. How can you prove any better than that? Why do we have birth certificates and signatures if a NOTORIZED statement is always necessary? Why go through all the trouble proving Aidan is Mikey's son at the hospital if their legal documents are unusable when requested? WHY request the birth cert. and my sig. if they aren't good enough??!? Also.... there was no question about MY name being different than Aidan's... I thought we had progressed to the point where we could all live different lives. Not have to be married and take my husband’s name... or name our son after him.... if it's just the name that proves paternity, we could have called him Bubba Gazhunteit, then changed Mikey's name to the same!!!!
On top of that, I STILL haven't heard anything about the psych. evaluation I took 2.5 weeks ago. It was supposed to determine if I am safe to care for my son... good thing he has been safe with me while we have been waiting. More on that, you say? Well, a couple months ago, I said something in a way that was misinterpreted, and was reported to family services. I don't completely understand it either...
Could I have a break please? I am a good person; I try to help out where I can. I ask for help when I need it. It appears that when you ask for help... you don't get to choose which type of help you get.
I just want enough money to get what we need and a few things we want... comfortable home, food, clothes, laughter, conversation, AND a day off occasionally.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
2:01 PM - Case Closed - literally
A somewhat negative door was closed for me... I let out a nice deep sigh of relief. The battle is not over, but it's nice to not have to fight in so many directions.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
1:44 AM - Happy Valentine's Day
I hope everyone's St. Valentine's Day was pleasant. Mikey and I went on our official first date AND we found someone we trust to take care of Aidan while we went ALONE. hehe.
It went pretty good, definitely not like going out for the first time. It was weird sharing the bathroom with my valentine date this year. At the restaurant (Diablos Downtown Lounge), we struggled to avoid the regular mundane conversations we usually have at home, but we managed to laugh and have a great time. The food was incredible, the music was nice, and our server was cute but not distracting... Mikey did an incredible job making me feel even more special than he usually does. The day before, we went shopping... bought him a couple nice shirts and ties... I dusted off an amazing dress I haven't worn since leaving California a couple years ago!! AND IT FITS!!!
The funniest part of the evening, was the part when we couldn't figure out what to do after dinner! We never go out and we were at a complete loss. So much in fact, we went home after dinner to watch American Idol and played Triopoly with our friend/babysitter. hehe. OH WELL, we'll figure this out someday.
Life feels like it may allow for some comfort, and I gladly welcome it. It's time to smile again, time to shine, way over due in fact.
Friday, April 06, 2007
1:52 AM - Intellectual Stimulation I would like to take this moment to congratulate myself on an incredible transition. Any of you that knew me 6 months ago, shit even 4 months ago, possible saw what an emotional, hormonal, anxious, obsessive compulsive mess I was! Well, I am happy, nope, I'm fucking ecstatic, to say WOOT WOOT to the somewhat rational and together Melissa!! It's been difficult to redefine myself as a woman and a mommy. Being a mom now is incredibly different than when my mom was first starting out. My main problem now is, I CAN'T FIND NIFTY FRIENDS THAT DON"T MIND HANGING WITH MY KID!
I've spoken to a lot of mothers... and some non-moms. I don't like what I'm hearing. I've been told to get used to it. People without kids don't have the patience to try to have fun in a responsible G-PG rated environment. Moms have told me that they generally spent the first 3-5 years without getting out of the house for fun!! This is unacceptable... for me.
SO, I plead to you, my friends, with and without kids, PUH-LEZE call me or IM me or set up a date or come over for coffee... SOMETHING. A woman just should not be alone all the time... and I got into a bit of trouble when I tried making up my own 'friends' and having debates with myself.
Our current schedule gives me all day tuesday and wed evening and thur daytime to go out alone. Otherwise, drop me a line, hang with me and the kid. He's incredibly adorable, and makes nifty sounds... and smells.
Monday, April 09, 2007
3:11 PM - Imperfect love I can love an imperfect father, but I cannot love a liar, even if lying makes you feel better, Dad. What I need from you is honesty. You were abusive, you are an alcoholic. It's not ok to be those things: just as much as it wasn't ok for your dad to hurt you or your sister or your mom. I wish with everything that things could have been different for you and mom, mostly for selfish reasons. I wanted to have 2 parents that love me for who I am, unconditionally! I am extremely angry at you for not giving me that. I wish that mom and you didn't grow up thinking t was ok for men to hit their wives and children. If you didn't, perhaps I might have made more of myself. I may have been able to connect with another person. I've felt disconnected from everyone MY WHOLE LIFE! If things had started differently, I might not feel so numb now... in fear that my son will turn out numb as well.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
9:53 AM - When does something good happen?
Isn't that the fucking question? What do you do when you've been given the most difficult life to live? I've been through so much already... I'm kinda tired guys! I'm not ready to handle that one last thing...
When I dropped my son off at a playgroup he does one morning each week, his teacher mentions to me that it's possible that Aidan could have Autism. I'm not really sure what to do with this. Am I to call his doctor immediately? Wait it out a bit longer... see what happens? Call EVERYONE I KNOW!? What the hell am I SUPPOSED TO DO? I know what I AM doing; freaking out, crying out loud, uncontrollable tears running down my face, can't breathe through the fucking snot freaking out. I'm gonna go take a bath. If this is my journey, I can't be like this the whole time.
For anyone that wants to read about autism, here is a site I found: http://www.autismspeaks.org/whatisit/diagnosis.php
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
5:34 PM - Is he or isn't he?
Some may be wondering how things have been since my last blog. WELL, the biggest thing we have learned since then is that it may take months to find out whether or not Aidan is autistic; incredibly comforting. :-P
In the mean time, my analytical brain will keep debating if certain things about him are a sign that he is, or is not, autistic, or delayed, or completely 'normal'. This would be so much easier if I didn't love that little guy SO FRIGGIN' MUCH. Oh well, TOO LATE!
If anyone has kids or knows people with kids that may (or may not) want to play with Aidan, I'm sure he would appreciate it. OR even if you want to hang with me and you like kiddos... he may just need to see more people... I'm hoping so anyhoo. I like coffee and cards and conversation... walks on the beach and cheesy movies. ;-P
XOXO
Monday, Jul 30, 2007
10:55 PM - Gone Forever... and Ever
When things happen... they just keep happening, huh?
I don't really talk to my Dad. That's a long story I'm not going put here. He just instant messaged me to say that both of my grandparents on his side had passed away. With my other grandpa dying when I was 19 and my very close grandma (like a mom close) dying last summer, I guess that means I don't have any grandparents left. I'm not sure what to feel. I was never close to my Dad's parents. It's just weird to still be in my 20's (barely) and be without them. I always thought that perhaps someday I would have a relationship with my Dad and those grandparents... someday... Anyhoo, that's that. Nothing I can do about it now.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
1:13 AM - At the Supermarket –Grocery Store Blowout
Recently, as we are loading our groceries into the car, I discover that our son has had a blow out. Blow out in this situation means that his poopy has managed to reach out in all directions, yet managed to completely bypass the diaper altogether. Of course, this is the one and only time we didn't bring the diaper bag... no diapers... no wipes.. no extra clothes... NOTHING!
Thankfully, diapers were on the grocery list, BUT we still needed to buy wipes and figure out clean clothes for the kiddo. SO, it's back into the grocery store, and to the back where the changing table in in the bathroom. I should add that Aidan is NOT happy and screaming to inform EVERYONE of his discomfort.
While Mikey strips the kid and starts to clean him up with wet toilet paper, I leave the plastic bag and Aidan's clean sweatshirt and his clean diaper to go in search of wipes. I only have $7.00 on me. I am $1 away from getting the kind we always get, so unfortunately have to spend money on wipes we usually don't use. If you know me, you also know this is a big deal for me, bigger than it should be. ;-)
As I am making my way up to the check-out counter, I realize I am behind WAY too many people to get back soon enough, SO I suck it up and begin telling the people in line about my son's blowout and my urgency to get back to him. Thankfully, everyone is INCREDIBLY understanding and moves aside for me. This is where I have the most uncomfortable, powerless moment I've had in awhile.
One of the ladies I requested to move ahead of was shying away as she allowed me to pass. As I turned to both apologize and show my gratitude, I see that her face is badly bruised and swollen. I had no idea what to do. She had obviously been beaten. I was dumbstruck. I just stood there and stared for a second, uncertain of my next move.
So many thoughts poured around me...
What do I do?
She needs help!
I NEED to get back to my son... yet...
I WANT to help this woman, SOMEHOW!!
The woman continued to hide her face. Using her eyes, she urges me forward. She doesn't appear to want help.. I really don't know what to do with people in HORRIBLE situations that don't have it in them to fight for better.
So, I return to the bathroom... my mind still with the battered woman... to help Mikey finish cleaning up the kid.
New diaper, socks, shoes, and a hooded sweatshirt... not quite warm enough to go outside... SO, Mikey puts Aidan in his jacket and zips up... toddler feet and naked legs hanging out the bottom... back to the car we go! Exhausted, physically and mentally, ready for NAPTIME!!!
Domestic Violence is a topic that hits me hard. My mother fought hard to escape the beatings she didn't deserve for YEARS of my childhood. I forget that there are still people out there living it... that don't know how and never plan to fight.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
8:07 PM - Conquering Devastation – Planning, Managing, and Expecting
Most are aware of my emotional sensitivity...
Most are aware of our financial difficulties...
Many know that our son is Autistic...
Very few know what that means or how we could possibly know at such a young age...
I tend to have a difficult time explaining this when it comes up. I have a history of severe depression. Most of the time, I can find a positive twist to a negative situation. Most of the time, I can find the fighter in me that knows I have what it takes to battle through to the end. When I try to explain what makes Aidan Autistic... how I know he's not a typical boy turning three years old in September... I have a difficult time holding my emotions. It doesn't seem to get easier after having this discussion again and again. Very few also know how uncomfortable I am being vulnerable. I have been taught to be strong, to survive! Now I need to find a way to be strong enough to be vulnerable, to be honest with myself and others about my emotions.
What makes my Aidan Autistic? How can I tell this isn't just a slow phase in his development?
When over stimulated or under stimulated or stressed or uncomfortable...
· my son will spin his head back and forth repeatedly for long periods of time,
· my son will stiffen his arms at his side and run in circles and figure eights around the room,
· my son will flip or spin his plates, cups, books, and many other things repeatedly
Aidan has many severe developmental delays...
· my son does not use full words,
· my son does not try to communicate, verbally or nonverbally, with others, adults or children,
· my son does not mimic, play pretend, or show interest in interacting with others,
· my son does not take simple directions or commands,
· my son does not search out his mommy or daddy to show us what he is doing,
· my son does not run to hug his mommy or daddy when they have been away.
I also need to explain that this isn't a lost cause. There is still a struggle to survive. There is still a battle to fight. This is my strength! As long as I know there is something I can do to help my son develop, help him have relationships, to have friendships, I can find the positive energy to pull through, to continue to fight the devastation of not having a 'typical' child.
Now that we know what we are fighting: Autism, not a child just with delays or behaviors, we have been able to change how we teach our son, how we interact with him, even how and what we feed him. He has made HUGE advancements in just the past few weeks. We have started him on a new diet that allows his brain to learn easier.
In the past few weeks he has been able to do many things we have been struggling to teach him. He's got a long way to go, but every step forward makes my heart leap with joy!
· My son now plays with numerous toys he wasn't interested in just a few weeks ago... building blocks, shape sorters, trucks, the kitty :-)
· my son now looks at the pictures in his books, instead of repeatedly flipping the pages,
· my son now occasionally checks to see if I'm in the same room,
· my son now occasionally makes eye contact when I speak to him,
· my son now enjoys being held and even, occasionally, hugs me back!
I have to be honest with myself. This is hard, the most difficult thing I have had to endure (and I've had plenty of other extremely difficult things to overcome)... many childhood traumas... and most recently surviving severe depression and the possibility of its return... and now caring for one child with autism while being pregnant with another child that could be born with the same condition... We are hopeful, but we won't know if our second child has Autism until the delays and behaviors become noticeable around the age of two.
I HAVE TO believe I can do this, WE can do this. I love my unique, 'atypical' little boy. It won't be easy. I know this. It seems nothing is. We will keep fighting and we WILL persevere! Mikey is going to school so that he can get a career that pays well enough to get the things we need and maybe even some thins we don't need. We are both working part time so we can make it until Mikey is done with school. We have been accepted to receive services for Aidan's Autism through EC Cares. This is a rough road, but we are on it! Our love and our strength will get us through. I love my Aidan. I love this baby growing inside of me. I love my love, my life, my strength, my stability, my hope, my everything!
I vow to try ANYTHING that can have even the smallest possibility of helping my Aidan develop, ANTHING that will help him to talk, ANYTHING that can help him be interested in others, ANYTHING that might just allow him to relate to others enough to help him form friendships and maybe even a romantic relationship in the future. I vow to try ANYTHING, no matter how inconvenient, how difficult, or heart breaking, to so that my son will be able to live and feel in the world we have created for him.
I even vow to ask for and accept help when I need it, to be honest with my emotions, my vulnerability, and my humanity. Please ask if anyone wants to know more about Autism or our circumstances or if you want to become more involved in helping us fight, helping us survive. There it is everyone: I asked for help. I do not beg, but at least I can say I asked... once. ;-)
Friday, September 5, 2008
4:01 AM - One Word
Mama.
My little boy said it. Aidan said Mama! I am thrilled, honored, and overwhelmed. I have waited 3 long years to hear him say Mama. I finally got to hear it over and over and over tonight! :-D
(looking back.. he actually said Ma-ma.. for Milk. I still thinks its the most awesome thing I've ever heard!)
Monday, October 6, 2008
4:28 AM - Countdown
SO, I know this baby is close to joining us. The baby has dropped and I started really feeling the false labor contractions tonight. (It doesn't feel that great, to be honest.)
My mom is going to be here on Friday and my baby shower/party is next Monday... SO she will have to wait until at least next Monday night!
I'm tired as hell and can barely pick my ass up off the couch, but I am driven like a mad woman to clean and organize EVERYTHING. I'm not working the job anymore and actually felt good to offer advice while picking up my check last week. I don't do stay at home mommy very well. I get SO stir crazy with no one to talk to or debate with. I've been telling Aidan stories and giving him advice, but I don't really know if he understands me. I don't even understand me lately. Hormones and pregnancy and an overcast sky make for a Moronic Melissa, seriously!
I am doing much better this pregnancy than the last one, but I definitely want to remind everyone that even though you can't see me; I'm still here. Anyone that has a few minutes, consider stopping by or calling or whatever. I'm sure I'm entertaining if not intellectually stimulating. ;-P
Thursday, October 9, 2008
4:12 PM - Sleep Deprivation – Nesting and NOT Sleeping
I have been nesting a lot lately, especially since I am not working the job. Last night, I decided to get a head start on the chores for today. I did most of the dishes, did a couple loads of laundry (wash, dry, and fold), wrote out bills and woke Mikey to throw his scratch on the bottom of the checks (as I said, I am not working, so I have no money... although, now neither does he, haha!), and I called my mom to see how her trip was going. OF COURSE, her train was delayed about 3 hours, so she didn't leave until about 4:00 am our time... she was leaving from Fargo, ND. She is supposed to be here about 2:00 pm tomorrow (Friday). The engineer says he can make it up and get here on time... so here's hoping!
Last night, while I was on the phone, my mom told me that I should be sleeping and to leave the chores for her to help with when she gets here. She also said that I should be careful, that Aidan was probably going wake up early because I was up too late.
I don't know who to blame... myself for testing fate, my mom for saying it out loud, or karma for misunderstanding my need for sleep! Aidan not only woke up early, but my bitch ass cat decided to take a shit in a small pile of clothes in my bedroom around 4:00 am this morning; which made Mikey get up. I had to leave the room before the smell made me throw up. Mikey chased the cat, beat her (not really), and threw her outside. She kept scratching to come back in, over and over!
SO, I got to bed about 2:00 am, woke up due to the cat around 4:00 am, had to sleep sitting up because I got a bad case of reflux in all the excitement, and then get up to get Aidan at about 8:00 am. What is this, practice for not sleeping when the baby comes? KARMA and FATE, I have done this once and consider myself practiced ENOUGH!!
Today I will be super mommy. Mikey goes to school all day and works until close tonight. If anyone goes by Fastlane Coffee, pick me up an Amaretto Soy Latte and wake my ass up!! I appreciate it. :-D
Thursday, October 16, 2008
4:57 AM - It’s time! –and then some
Jasmyn Nicol was born at 1:38 am Sunday, October 12, 2008.
My contractions were erratic all Saturday evening. They happened at different intervals and for various durations. I thought they were Braxton Hicks contractions until I started bleeding during a bath I ran the second Mikey got home from work. Luckily a couple hours earlier I had packed a bag for "just in case" the real thing happened soon. As soon as I saw that I was bleeding, I yelled to Mikey that we had to leave NOW. All of a sudden, I was having one horrible contraction after another. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and willing her to wait until we got to the hospital. When we got there, Mikey got out and ran to get me a wheelchair. We were rushed to the fifth floor and into a room. We couldn't wait for a doctor or a midwife. Jasmyn was birthed by me, Mikey, and an RN named Jan Thomas eight minutes later. THEN Mikey asked if he could go down to move the car that was still running at the hospital entrance! The staff was nice enough to do it for us. :-D
Now it’s time to recover, right? The hard part is over, RIGHT? NOPERS!!
I was scheduled to have a tubal ligation in the morning. I needed to go at least eight hours without food or drink. I had already gone four hours without food. By the time I got into surgery, I had gone sixteen hours without food and about nine hours without a drink, including water. I was a bit uncomfortable, but ready to go. The surgery went fine... I was ready to recover, again.
I felt fine to start, a little light headed, tired, and bloated so much that it felt like I was carrying around two of me! After passing out a few times, having practically no blood pressure or pulse, and having the worst shakes EVER! I have about thirty hospital staff surrounding me, wondering what was wrong. They tried a couple cold IVs, warm IVs, blood transfusions, and some dopamine before taking me back into surgery to repair a broken blood vessel in my uterine lining. The parts I won't forget are; being colder than I've ever been (and I'm from Minnesota), yelling out my blood type (didn't want to feel worse), and sarcastically telling the surgeon that was going save my life that I better wake up from the anesthesia this time too. They transferred me on to another bed and rolled me away to surgery.
I obviously survived and FINALLY get my chance to recover. We are home now with our beautiful baby girl. I missed Aidan so much. It's nice to be home again, recovering. :-)
Saturday, December 20, 2008
11:25 PM - My Kryptonite – Feeling not so SUPER!
If I am superwoman, then autism is my kryptonite.
I don't know how to take care of my son. His behaviors have escalated in the past month or so... He barely eats or drinks. He whines and cries a lot. He has started pinching and biting everyone, including himself. Tonight, he was holding his head. I don't know if its exasperation or pain. HE CAN'T TALK TO ME, so I don't know what to do for him. He needs attention and time that, right now, needs to be given to our newborn. I'm trying everything, even letting her cry longer so I can hold him more. Unfortunately, her cries escalate his frustration too. I'm lost. What do I do?
How am I supposed to do this and go to school and run a home? I am honestly debating dropping out and taking my losses. I wonder if I will ever have the opportunity to manage my own restaurant, when I will need to be home caring for my son. I read Jenny's books. I REALLY thought that we could make Aidan 'all better'. I'm not so sure anymore.
Lately, I've been pissed off at Jenny McCarthy and any other parent of autism with a child that is doing better. She spouts off about curing autism and how her son barely shows any signs of it at all. I don't have the resources to give Aidan the care that her son received. She talks about oxygen chambers, detoxing, expensive gfcf supplements, and gfcf diet. We do to the diet, which has helped tons and costs tons too. Why do only the autistic children of parents with money and resources get better? Why does MY son have to be uncomfortable and frustrated and in pain!!!!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
10:21 AM - An update of how things are with us
Things are falling into place. Mikey and I seem to be less vindictive lately and we have both been somewhat pleasant when we talk about the kids. I think we are finally mending from the pain that happens during a breakup. As for me, I am still going to school. It's much harder this time around, but I'm managing to do well for the most part. Attempting to get a bachelor's in Hospitality Management. I can't be a waitress forever and need to know that I can help support my children without government assistance at some point. I am very thankful for the programs that help us take care of the kids while we better ourselves.
We had an IFSP meeting for Aidan yesterday to discuss the new school he will be going to and to meet the new team that we will be working with. Theresa, his new EC Cares autism specialist is great, very calm and understanding. I'm anxious and a bit scared... eh more like alotta scared for Aidan to start a new program with people I hardly know. I wish he could tell me things, but I've found that focusing on that isn't healthy and I have to trust that what we've decided for him is best. We are going to be getting an OT to help with Aidan's eating issues. He has gone back to not eating anything. Thankfully, he will still drink juice and his special allergen free toddler formula. :-p
Aidan is still super cuddly and loves rough housing. He's pretty mellow most of the time, but seems to get annoyed with how much Jasmyn likes him. She really thinks he's the coolest thing and follows him all over the house. Sometimes he looks at me with a funny look on his face when she gets really close. I think he secretly likes her, but doesn't know exactly why. I also think Aidan looks forward to nap time, when Jas passes out and he gets to have some quiet time to himself.
Jas is doing really great too. Her eczema is fading away finally. She has had really bad eczema pretty much since she was born. We have been able to stop giving her the topical steroid she was prescribed. Her expressions are adorable and she makes the goofiest sounds, makes me crack up! She is developing fast and is standing without holding on a lot and she loves to try to climb the stairs. She actually made it up a few stairs and I've had to start gating it off. The other day I took a few pictures after she decided to chill on the bottom step with her arm up, watching some 'toons, hehe. I also have some cute ones of when Aidan found Dave's shoes and started hanging out in them, so cute!
The kid's birthdays are both coming up soon. Aidan's is on Sept. 25 and he will be 4 years old. Jasmyn's is on Oct. 12 and she will be 1 year old! We will probably have a birthday party for both kids in October and I will try to get some more recent pictures of the kids up sometime soon. It may have to wait until this class is over in October, but it WILL HAPPEN!
Friday, November 05, 2010
I often avoid posting much personal experience when it comes to my experiences with autism, outside of the food and sleep issues. I know that it has to be hard for most people to relate. Often we fear or feel uncomfortable with what we don't find relatable. Any of you that are my friends... this is forever for me. I will always have autism in my life and I will potentially be taking care of my children for the rest of my life, probably even living with my kids forever. If you are my friend, you need to accept that I will never have a life like yours and I need to accept that as well. I'd like to find some common ground occasionally. Some days it feels very easy to feel separate from all of you, especially the parents; the moms of kids that do everything we dream of as kids when we dream of having kids. I promise to do my best to feel excited for you when you get the Mama's and Dada's, and do first dates, prom, driving, graduation, weddings, careers, grandchildren...
Please...try to be excited for me when something big happens in my home that isn't typical for yours, too. hugs. I love all of you!! :-D
This is the link that encouraged this note. It's an eye opener for me. I need to find a way to make this all ok in my head and to realize that this is forever.. and to figure out how to get this to not be such a struggle all the time. :-p
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/04/making-sense-of-death-and-autism/
Monday,
November 22, 2010
3:44PM – Another Update on Life in General
Things are much different than even the last Blog Entitled Update. Mike and I have been separate for a couple years. Heck, I haven't seen him since July 4 when he brought the kids back from a visit. If you want to know more about him, you will have to ask him. We barely message each other when something comes up or if we have a question for each other. :-p
The kids are great. Both loud and very kid-like! Aidan babbles more and more. He even has started making sounds that sound like communicating. Jasmyn's vocabulary is getting better too. She has some verbal and social delays, but I think we can count out autism for her. We are on a very special diet that consists of a great variety of meats, cheese, fruits, veggies, and honey, but absolutely no starches, grains, lactose, or sugars. I must be on the right track. Aidan's system seems to be getting better and even though the doctor wasn't as helpful as I'd liked, he did say that I should keep the diet as it is. In the mean time, Aidan is not in any programs/school. They can't assure me that he won't get any of the things he has a reaction to. I have to choose his physical health above all else. I am not in school anymore either and I got fired from Pizza Hut. Those things happened awhile ago. I stopped working back in December of 2009. I stopped school not long after that. I failed the same class 3 times in a row and figured it was time to take a break on that. Honestly, I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I don't even know what I will be able to do given the circumstances. As always, I'm sure when it's time to know I will get some sign or idea or something. There's more, but I've already spent too much time on here!
No comments:
Post a Comment