Looking in my Aidan’s eyes..

Looking in my Aidan’s eyes..

From afar, looking at my Aidan’s eyes, they look like those of a typical child, curious and ready to play.

Through your eyes, from afar you may not even notice his eyes due to the motions of his head and hands and the rigor status of his limbs or the occasional very loud, uncontrollable meltdown he is experiencing.

Through your eyes, from afar, most of the time, you won’t notice MY Aidan’s eyes because he is silently watching without you knowing he is even there.

Through your eyes, getting closer, looking at my Aidan’s eyes, you can see the lines around his eyes denoting possible wisdom and perspective that those of a typical child would never possess. He has experienced the great pain and discomfort of living in his own skin while trying to think with his brain AND live with ‘neurotypical’ people that say he needs to be taught to be different so he can live amongst them and do as they do.

Through your eyes, getting even closer, looking at my Aidan’s eyes, you can see that it’s not you he’s looking at. He’s looking near you, he’s looking around you, he looking past you, or he’s looking right through you.

Looking through my eyes, looking in my Aidan’s eyes, you would see what he sees better than anyone else can. He may look through most people, but he looks right at me. He may not always feel comfortable being touched by most people, but he is comforted within my ‘mommy’ embrace. Some sounds send him straight into a fit, but my voice makes him calm again.

From my ears, I hear sounds of anguish and sounds of joy. From my ears, I hear no words to explain the thoughts inside of my Aidan’s head. It is impossible to know if he thinks of all that makes the world be or if he has none of this. I think that the thoughts inside of my Aidan’s head are the most interesting things I could ever know, if I could ever know them.

From within my heart, I yearn to hear the words “I love you, mommy” that your ‘neurotypical’ child says. I would love to hear him ask to eat, sleep, ask for help, want to go, be excited to show, and know all that he knows.

From within my head, I find solace in the thought that, for me, the lost gaze of my Aidan’s eyes that looks straight through you has evolved into a beautiful eye to eye connection for me and my Aidan. It’s generally followed by a little smile and his little, gentle hug, which is just for me. This is my “I love you” from my Aidan’s heart.

From within all that I am… I know my Aidan will speak, he will express, he will relate, he will be amazed and compelled by emotion, and he will be the best Aidan I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet and learn from. I have a feeling that he has taught me more about myself and the world in the short time he has been in my world than I will ever be able to teach him with the time I have left in his.